The title is a song by Avril Lavigne and it pretty much represents my entire life at the moment. Not Rhune’s life or Ruby’s life, but their typists. Probably didn’t notice right? No you probably didn’t. I’m too good at pretending everything is fine.
But everything is not fine. I am NOT alright. Sometimes I wonder how it is no one around me has noticed.
Deep within my own mind I scream and rage… cry and lay broken… and when I do not feel those I am too numb to feel anything.
Time has passed since we ended. I thought the feelings were supposed to fade? They’re not fading. I don’t think it’s supposed to be this way. I think something is wrong.
It’s not like I haven’t had closure. I know why we broke up. I know where things went wrong. I’ve had my last conversation with her. I’ve gotten to say goodbye. The feelings should be fading now. I’ve done everything one is supposed to in order to move on.
I really should. She certainly has.
I have certainly tried. But then I’ll remember the sound of her voice, her playful smile, her loving words. They still make me smile, how do you let something like that go?
I need to dump all her e-mails and pictures. I need to delete the link to her photobucket and pandora profile pages. I REALLY need to eliminate her from my gmail contact list. Seeing when she is online is not helpful. Nor is her gmail contact picture amusing and cute as it is, as it always is no matter how many times she changes it.
I realize that. I really do.
Maybe tomorrow.
Interesting fact: Did you know if the sorrow is great enough you can scream and it’s completely silent? I do. Never felt so close to Faylian either. Which is why I don’t play her currently.
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Some interesting things about grief are:
ReplyDelete1) There is no such thing as closure. That is a misnomer.
2) There aren't steps of grief, instead there are waves of it. That is why it surprises us when it comes washing over us at unexpected times.
3) In regards to loosing someone we love (ie. a family member dies), life "getting back to normal" doesn't mean that things are the same as before. Instead, we learn to live a "new normal."
4) And finally, a thought passed on from C.S. Lewis, when he lost his wife to cancer. My paraphrase: "The depths of one's sorrow shows the depths of one's love."
I'm sorry you lost a girlfriend.
Zwingli
Sentinels Server
Thanks, it was very kind of you to take the time to comment. Some wisdom in that post for sure.
ReplyDeleteI just miss her so much. Even at my most emotional about the matter it still seems so unreal.
She was the part of my life I enjoyed the most and now it's just gone. I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with that.
That screaming thing? Yeah...I know how that feels. When my Salem was torn from me, that same thing happened. For the next few nights, I would lay in bed, and try to scream, but nothing would come out.
ReplyDeleteRhubylian, I'm sorry you lost your love. I know that pain, as well. I also know that, eventually, the pain will dull down to an ache, and while you will miss her, miss the times you had with her, you will be able to continue on as you had without overwhelming grief. I can only hope that time comes soon.
*snugs the MyraTypist* I just wish that part would hurry up and come. I know it will though. Slowyly but surely.
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