Just the lone tiger now…

It’s been a week since my last post and nearly three weeks since the official breakup. Has it really been so long? It seems like last night… except it also seems like an eternity ago.

A lot has happened in the last week. I’ve gone through everything I have on my computer that had to do with her. Chatlogs, e-mail, pictures, all of it. I dreaded doing it. I knew it would bring up so much sadness and regret. But I also knew I needed to do it. I needed to embrace what we had one last time so I could let her go. So much warmth and caring. I was reminded that she did love me once. She had to have. All of that couldn’t have been an act. And that means I can be loved again.

After I was done I put it all in a folder and buried it as deep in my computer and hit “invisible”. It’s there still. I can’t delete nearly a year of my life… or all evidence of the first person I ever loved. But it’s all out of sight and out of mind. I’m not going to look at it again for a very long time I think.

I also had a birthday. This means I’m a year older. This would normally depress me, in fact it should depress me MORE now as I’m further from where I wanted to be than I was earlier this year.

Except I don’t think I AM further away after all. I learned so much from being with her… about relationships and about myself. What I’m looking for. I don’t think I was ready to be in a relationship when I met her despite how much I wanted to be in one. I’m a lot closer to being there now however. I think NEXT time I will be ready if I can find the right woman.

I just need to get over the last one first.

And I need to get my own life straightened out too.

I’ve done nothing but think about this topic for almost three weeks now. And I’ve come to this conclusion: this is a do-over. Not just for relationships but for everything. My entire life. It’s time to become the person I want to be. It’s time I put as much effort into myself as I do my in-game avatars. The woman I eventually find needs to be worthy of the love I can lavish on her. But I need to be worthy of her too.

This will mean less time in World of Warcraft to an extent. But I’m not going away. I do not see World of Warcraft as a negative experience in the slightest. In fact I know if I hadn’t been playing WoW I’d have been doing something less productive. It wouldn’t have changed a thing for me. At least in the game I’ve met some good people, had a chance to express my creativity, practiced writing, and learned a lot about myself. More than I would have without the game I think.

It’s not about leaving. It’s about finding a balance.

The hardest part isn’t leaving the game-play, or even the role-playing. It’s that after three years in the game I’m used to never being alone. There’s always someone on. There’s always chatter to listen to. There is always someone to talk to. I was such a loner once and now I can’t stand to be alone for even a moment.

AIM only helps so much. Maybe Battle.net 2.0 will solve this little problem for me. Blizzard just needs to HURRY UP ALREADY!

I made a vow to myself right before my birthday: One year from now my life will be back on track, I will have a steady financial income, I will have gotten in  the habit of writing more and be drawing, and I will be a whole and complete person and ready to meet my future wife.

2010 is my year. I intend it to be the pivotal moment in my life. Everything is going to change forever.